Destiny?

Is our life drawn out for us ahead of time or do we have control over where we end up? If you let go of trying to control every thing in your life, do you end up where you were suppose to all along? Or does every decision you make put you in a different place? I wonder if my life is predestined no matter what I do or can I create the life I want and deserve? Or am I living the life I was brought here to live? I just had a birthday and have been thinking a great deal about where I am in my life. Sometimes I feel like life should be more than it is, and other times I know I am just where I need to be. Sometimes I stress myself out wondering too much about it all. I know I just have to have faith in a higher power and believe the universe has had and continues to have a plan for me. I may not know exactly what it is, but I have to believe I have had a purpose here and will continue to have one until my journey here on Earth is over.

Cancer

It has been a tough 2008. The last six months have been quite challenging. In July my good friend Michael passed away from colorectal cancer. He was 32 years old. My cousin Alyssa continues to fight her battle with a form of brain cancer. An aunt was also diagnosed with breast cancer during this same time period. Cancer just seems to be everywhere and it's a shame. More effort and money has to be allocated toward cancer treatment, research, and an eventual cure. At the same time the health care system continues to fail millions and now we are in a recession where many of us are uncertain about what the future holds, economically. I am fortunate to have an apartment I like, a job that pays the bills, good health insurance, great family and friends. My health could be better but it is good considering my age, and I look pretty good as well, so I really can't complain. I hope 2009 brings more stability to every one's life and more change in their pockets. This is a tough time all around, but we need to hang in there together and not give up. As long as you have a friend to talk to, life will be O.K.

"A New Earth"

I finished reading “A New Earth” by Eckart Tolle earlier this summer. I have been on a spiritual path for most of my life, trying to make sense of it all. I have to say this book was very helpful. Like all spiritual self-help books, there is no real evidence that what the writer is saying is of absolute truth, however his points do make intellectual sense. Like millions of people, I was born a soul searching for meaning my entire life. I think I starting questioning things in my mid teens and continue to do so as I age. What I got out of this book is that some people, many actually, just don’t ask life questions. Many are stuck in their heads making up things that either don’t exist or are of little of not importance in the greater scheme of life. We all deal with some level of fear; the greatest of them all is the fear of death.

One of the major messages of Tolle’s book is that the true essence of life occurs in the present moment. Millions of people spend a lot of their mental energy on the past, stuck on resentments or past pain and trauma. Many also are so much invested in their future plans like what job they want, where they will live, how much money they will gain, who they will marry, how many kids will they have, that they do not appreciate the present time.

Back to death, something most human beings fear, Tolle says that if you believe you are life itself and your soul is eternal, then there really is no such thing as death, therefore there is nothing to fear. Now I am one who does not deal with death well and every encounter, whether personal or a death of a celebrity I connect with, makes me feel the coming of my own mortality. Though, as I get older the goal of my spiritual journey is to accept what my life has been to the present moment. I believe and accept that it has meant something in the greater scheme of things, if not to at least one individual, and that when it is my time to go I should not fear the transition.

In any event, no matter what one’s spiritual or religious path, I really do feel that we all go to the same place in the end and only chose our own path to that destination. Life is good and worth exploring to the fullest. I aim to learn as much as I can while I’m here and move on to the next place as connected to it from this end as is humanly possible.

Feeling Good

I am feeling good these days. I was in a rut for a while, but things are starting to look brighter. I am letting go of a lot of "should haves" and "could haves" and trying to just be. I am trying hard not to get all obsessed about the past or the future, and just be in the moment. It is tough, but worth the effort. I recently started listening to the audio iTune version of "A New Earth" the book Oprah is pushing, about finding a purposeful life. So far so good. I may even buy the book, but I'll let you know how that goes. Today, I am just enjoying the day and looking forward to the weekend, and spending some quality time with a good friend and some family near by. My place is a mess though. Since I have not been on point I have let my dishes and laundry pile up, and now it is time to do some spring cleaning. I feel like the spring will bring a new spring to my step this year and improve my overall view of life. Life... It is good. Enjoy the Now. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come. All we really have is Now.

Death in the Family

2007 ended with the death of two family members on my mother's side. The toughest year we have had to date. My second cousin passed away on Dec. 4, 2007; he was 3 and 1/2 years old. My grandmother passed on Dec. 11, 2007; she was 76 years old. My family was strong. I still can't believe that my grandmother is no longer here with us. I knew she would pass on some day, but never really thought it would happen, and so fast. In with a stomach ache one day, and on life support three days later. Life is just crazy sometimes. I realized that my cousins, siblings, and friends, and I will watch each other pass. I learned that you never know when it will be the last time you see someone. Enjoy the moment. Live your life as the natural treasure that it is. And appreciate the people in your life.

Good-bye Dad

My dad passed away on Saturday, Oct. 29th, 2005 after a long battle with liver cancer. I am in a weird space and preparing mentally and emotionally for his funeral. He was an absentee dad while I was growing up, and in my mid 20's I thought of writing him out of my life. But I decided rather than having life-long resentment toward him, that I would forgive him for not being the dad I wanted or deserved. I accepted that he did what he could. He was going to be my dad for as long as he lived, so I decided to have some type of relationship with him. I’m glad I did. My stepfather raised me, but I will always have only one biological dad: the one that gave me life, and for that I am grateful. Enjoy life; appreciate it, and the people in it that you care about. Don't hold grudges, accept people for who they are, and treat them well.

Major Decisions

I have been thinking a lot about the future lately. Happy with life overall and about to make some major decisions. Will probably apply for graduate school again. I suppose I am an eternal student. I like learning new and challenging things. Getting my finances in order also. Trying to save money, lower debt, and even thinking about retirement. I guess I am going through a mid life crisis of some sort. I want to have a clear idea of what I am going to do with the next 25 years of my life. I'll take it slow for I am sure the right paths will present themselves. I am also just learning how to enjoy and appreciate the present moment. I feel like I have to begin reaching out to family and friends more. As I get older, I notice the number of friends is becoming less and I don't see my family as often as I used to. I know we all get wrapped up in our lives, but it is good to keep in touch and share your hopes and dreams with the people you love and care about. It has been a while again since I made a blog entry. I hear they are all the rage but I still have not gotten really into them. I do however love the whole electronic connection we have to information these days. I am on the internet a great deal. Editing websites, doing research, keeping in touch. I hope to do more of the latter as live goes on.

Low Spirits

I am generally in good spirits, but today find my soul off center. I have had a lot on my mind lately. I am thinking a great deal about the future and its uncertainty has me a bit rattled. Work, relationship, finances, career are all taking a toll on me. I feel a little lost right now. My focus is blurred and I believe I am becoming a bit reclusive. The combination of it all has me in low spirits and I may even say I feel sad. My mind is in conflict with a relationship issue I'm dealing with. And my future profession is in question. One thing at a time, one day at a time. I am sure these feelings will pass, and I'll be in a better place soon, but I have to acknowledge where I am now and hope for the best in the end. I just have to hang in there and create some positive changes in my life and mind. I'm a strong person and will figure it out somehow. I just have to be patient with myself and take steps to get to where I want to go, professionally, socially, spiritually and romantically.